Stephen and I headed over to some friends house last night. I debated whether or not to go because I just wasn't feeling it but I am so thankful I pushed myself to go. We had such a nice time. The weather was nice and cool, we had a bon fire, roasted marshmallows, made smores and I think I ate my weight in white cheddar popcorn. Of course the company was great too. I really love our extended baby loss family. Being around people who just get it is so freeing. We don't always talk about our angels but sometimes we do and it's just so normal to us to switch from one thing to our angels without any awkward moments. We also can share our angels in ways that make others uncomfortable. I must say, I was so happy to see them proudly displaying their angel all over their house. I love it, I love to know that others don't feel ashamed or that their angels need to be kept secret. We also got to see this special little ones nursery and it meant so much because sharing things like that is so tender to baby loss mamas and others may not get how special sharing something as simple as the nursery can mean to us and of course it was so darling for a little boy. His parents did an amazing job for him.
I am also very envious of the yard they have! It was huge and I think (being the 3rd house we have visited in the East) that Stephen is slowly getting use to the idea of moving out East. It's all we can afford and barely at that but he is starting to see that East London has good pockets of houses. It's a small step for him. We do intend on meeting with a financial adviser to go over how we can get approved for a mortgage and what kinds of things we can do in the next year or two to improve our credit scores and chances of getting approved. Because of everything we have been through there has been a lot messed up and we need to fix it so we can get approved. I don't know if it'll be easy but we have to know how to at least try. We always had the goal of moving shortly after Ty was born, get into a small house and start there but after he passed and with us not working and then everything with Jacob and us not working even more, it's messed up a lot of our qualifications but it's not like we had a choice. We mentally, emotionally and physically needed the time to recover from such tragedy so now we must do what we can to fix everything. It sucks, I won't lie, it really sucks to have so many hopes and dreams ripped away but life sucks. What other choice do we have then to try and rebuild again. There is a reason we want and need to try and get into a house within the next few years. We've talked a lot and we really want to become foster parents but we won't be approved until we are in our own house and it's a big goal we have and hopefully no more bumps are thrown in our direction so we can actually achieve a goal within a few years since all of ours have been ripped away due to circumstances lately. We have new goals set and I hope we can achieve at least one of them!
Being out last night just made us want it even more. We want a place of our own, I want someplace I can renovate and make a home, we don't require much and we certainly don't require anything that costs a lot, just a small nice little house that can accommodate a growing foster family when we get to that stage and in the meantime, a home we can set up so that any child we foster can really thrive in. I need a new goal, I need something to focus on to get me through the next year or two, something to distract my attention, something my heart still wants and figure out ways to get there.
I am really glad I went last night, it was a really nice break and I actually felt a lot better once we were there. I really did enjoy my time with the extended fam and the smores were delicious! As were the roasted marshmallows....mmmm....Its moments like last night that shine a blessing through the tragedy we have all been through. I can't imagine my life without these people, of course I wish we met under happier circumstances but really, my life is much more complete with them in it and it did come at a cost and a terrible one but it is a blessing in the midst of the dark, it is a shinning light. Stephen and I truly love all of our shinning lights.