I am so sick of hearing people complain about how their bodies look after pregnancy. I get it, you have a bit of extra flab, you have some spider veins, you have some wrinkles, you know what BE THANKFUL. You probably also have a living child and that's what you should be focusing on. Who cares that your pants may be one size bigger then before you were pregnant, just take a moment to hug your child and look into their eyes and realize that you are thankful for the extra pant size because they are worth it. There is nothing better then the love of a child and getting there is part of the journey. Stop complaining, think of how women who have lost their children feel? Some hate their bodies, they feel so let down and the extra flab, the spider veins or the wrinkles remind them of what they have lost instead of what they have to love. I do not fall into that category, I love my body, my spider veins are my Ty marks of love and the extra flab is my mommy flab. But I am tired of hearing all these commercials for plastic surgery after having a baby, or these shows they praise getting liposuction. Just eat right and exercise, love your body the way it is, your a mom, your not suppose to be pencil thin and look 16. I just wish women would be more thankful they were pregnant and had a living baby because not every women gets that opportunity and think of how they feel about their bodies, with no living children. Blue Water Surgery and The Doctors should feel ashamed of themselves. Okay done with my rant for the day.
I went shopping yesterday (by myself may I add) and it was a bit tough. I went out to buy a boy and a girl newborn outfit in case Sweet Pea is bigger then they suspect and it took all my strength not to buy all the cute little baby girl clothes I had been eying for months. I had been in there the week before we found out what we were having and had so many plans to get all these adorable little girl outfits, summer dress, cardigan pant sets, everything and it hurt yesterday not to be able to buy anything. I know someday we'll need them but it doesn't seem right to buy something for a child who has yet to be in our life. (I guess experiencing two losses makes one feel this way?) I should be buying boy and girl clothes and not to mention at Goodwill because we were crazy enough to have two children so close in age but we wouldn’t care our lives would be full of so much love. I did spend a long time in the store looking at all the cute clothes praying I would laugh in 11 weeks because it would turn out we did need all those clothes, that Matea would be a miracle baby and survive! I also prayed that I would need to shop there one day for my own children (including adopted ones). I probably would have bought a few things because they were so reasonably priced but last week when I put away all the little girl clothes we already had it was very hard and very emotional and I didn’t want to experience that again. I mean I can’t even look in Ty’s dresser to see his clothes, it’s way to painful. I don’t want to push that upon myself. I just hope and pray come 11 weeks I realize I was wrong and that our baby girl has no clothes because we didn’t prepare for her to come home, only to bury her. Again, I am not choosing to give up hope but I am living realistically. If we go in to an ultrasound and there is some change then maybe we will start preparing. But right now I just can’t have all the baby stuff out, it breaks my heart to look at it.
I taught myself to knit yesterday, I figured it'd help if I could learn to make more things to sell it would help towards paying for headstones, adoption and Memory Ty's. I decided I am going to make comfort blankets (kind of like Taggies but not exactly the same) re-useable gift bags, if I can learn to knit then blankets and booties and maybe even a cookbook. With my husband and I both being off work we are just making ends meet and the cost of the funeral, plus two headstones right now and an adoption in the future we need to figure out other ways to raise money. So if anyone who reads this has any additional ideas for fundraising (we also need to fundraise for Memory Ty’s) feel free to comment and let me know. I know people plan golf outings and 5K runs but I wouldn’t know where to begin with planning so if you have also successfully planned something to that effect I’d love to know how.
We got our wedding photos back, the first time I went through I had 100 favourites, the second time...150. There's just so many I like, how do I narrow it down to like 15 to hang up in the house? They turned out really well and there are some special ones in there of our family (including Ty and Tea thanks to my Maid of Honor Nicole who I have known for more then 21 years and what she got us just goes to show one of the many reasons we are still friends.) I’ll probably post a few of the “family pictures” on here but most of them will be on facebook if anyone cares to look. It was a hard day for us. I don’t think I’ve mentioned it on here before but two weeks before my husband and I got married was when we found out about Matea. Not the best timing, though there is really no right time to find out the child you are carrying will inevitably die unless God steps in and performs a miracle. So it was kind of crazy, I couldn’t even wrap my mind around what else needed to be done and I had nightmares everything went wrong because we were so disorganized. It was a small wedding, 60 people, and to be honest not a lot of planning was involved, it just kind of came together. No stress at all which was really nice, but my husband and I wanted that. We just wanted it to be small, cozy, fun, loving and laid back and it sure was. But everything turned out perfectly, nothing went wrong and we had such a nice time and many people told us it was the best wedding they’ve been too. We chose to celebrate the day regardless of knowing what was happening with Matea, we decided it was a day for celebration, after all my husband and I have been through we still have so much love and respect for each other and we have made it through life’s toughest challenge and came out with a stronger relationship. I am very thankful for that and I knew I was marrying the almost perfect man. I could not ask for a better husband. We have been through so much and he continues to be my rock and greatest support so I am very thankful he is in my life. So we celebrated us and we celebrated that Matea was still with us on that day. Now we have many wonderful pictures to remind us of that beautiful day. We are also going to get belly shots done through NILMDTS so we have even more wonderful memories.
Having said that though, I am feel horribly guilty. Matea seems to have so much more memories associated with her then Ty did and people tell me all the time “You did the best you could at the time.” I’m sure we did, it was such a shock we had never thought in a million years our first born son would die so yeah we didn’t know what to expect or do but that does not make the guilt any easier. I feel as though Matea has so much more then Ty does, that she will be treated better, that what we have that reminds us of her are so many more things then we did with Ty and it makes me feel so guilty of things we didn’t do with Ty. I’m trying to do as much as I can with what we have for him but it won’t be the same and it shouldn’t be because they are two different human beings. It’s still eats me up inside that I feel Ty didn’t get the best he could and it tears me to pieces to know we have a chance to re-do it all over again and make things right this time. I really wish I did not have that opportunity; I rather have only dealt with the grief of Ty, not loosing two babies.
There’s still a lot to do around the house and a trip to Goodwill to purge a lot of stuff we have that we don’t need. I did the same thing after we lost Ty, got rid of a bunch of stuff because you realize there is nothing more important in life then life itself, no material object can ever come close to the importance of life. So I found myself purging again. It kind of feels good, cleansing the soul perhaps? It also keeps me busy and my mind off of other things that I do occasionally need a break from. So back to cleaning today since it is nice and cool out (I hope the weather stays this cool all summer!) Once I am done cleaning then I will finish Ty’s scrapbook and start making things to sell since Christmas will be here before I know it. Ohhh Christmas, another year passes where we won’t participate in your festivities, it is to hard. I had dreams that this Christmas we would have a little girl on our arms (the first few weeks when we were pregnant and didn’t even know it) I can only pray it was a sign that God will perform a miracle on our Sweet Matea Faith….